“There are people in the world who will take a great deal of trouble to point out the faults in a religion or a language, and then go blandly about their business without suggesting any remedy. I am not that kind of person. I have shown that the German language needs reforming. Very well, I am ready to reform it. At least I am ready to make the proper suggestions. Such a course as this might be immodest in another; but I have devoted upward of nine full weeks, first and last, to a careful and critical study of this tongue, and thus have acquired a confidence in my ability to reform it which no mere superficial culture could have conferred upon me.

In the first place, I would leave out the Dative case. It confuses the plurals; and, besides, nobody ever knows when he is in the Dative case, except he discover it by accident — and then he does not know when or where it was that he got into it, or how long he has been in it, or how he is going to get out of it again. The Dative case is but an ornamental folly — it is better to discard it.

In the next place, I would move the Verb further up to the front. You may load up with ever so good a Verb, but I notice that you never really bring down a subject with it at the present German range — you only cripple it. So I insist that this important part of speech should be brought forward to a position where it may be easily seen with the naked eye.

Thirdly, I would import some strong words from the English tongue — to swear with, and also to use in describing all sorts of vigorous things in a vigorous ways. [4]

4. “Verdammt,” and its variations and enlargements, are words which have plenty of meaning, but the sounds are so mild and ineffectual that German ladies can use them without sin. German ladies who could not be induced to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip out one of these harmless little words when they tear their dresses or don’t like the soup. It sounds about as wicked as our “My gracious.” German ladies are constantly saying, “Ach! Gott!” “Mein Gott!” “Gott in Himmel!” “Herr Gott” “Der Herr Jesus!” etc. They think our ladies have the same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely old German lady say to a sweet young American girl: “The two languages are so alike — how pleasant that is; we say `Ach! Gott!’ you say `Goddamn.’”

Fourthly, I would reorganize the sexes, and distribute them accordingly to the will of the creator. This as a tribute of respect, if nothing else.

Fifthly, I would do away with those great long compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments. To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are more easily received and digested when they come one at a time than when they come in bulk. Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than with a shovel.

Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done, and not hang a string of those useless “haben sind gewesen gehabt haben geworden seins” to the end of his oration. This sort of gewgaws undignify a speech, instead of adding a grace. They are, therefore, an offense, and should be discarded.

Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis. Also the reparenthesis, the re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses, and likewise the final wide-reaching all-inclosing king-parenthesis. I would require every individual, be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward tale, or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace. Infractions of this law should be punishable with death.

And eighthly, and last, I would retain Zug and Schlag, with their pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary. This would simplify the language.

I have now named what I regard as the most necessary and important changes. These are perhaps all I could be expected to name for nothing; but there are other suggestions which I can and will make in case my proposed application shall result in my being formally employed by the government in the work of reforming the language.

My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.”

I have to say that I have always had a bit more of a German work ethic (as described in the article about the book), and it has conflicted with some coworker’s attitudes in the US. Sometimes it felt like appearing to be busy was more important than being productive or efficient with time. It seemed to make people more stressed than they needed to be. Plus, it seemed like a badge of honor to have been writing emails at all hours of the day or on weekends. I had to explicitly mention to a couple of coworkers that they are welcome to contact me over the weekend about work but they would have to use my personal contact info because I didn’t log on over the weekend unless there was some specific reason for me to do so.

The book may be worth having a read. The cover of the book is a slice of white bread, and the title across it reads, “Were You Born on the Wrong Continent?: How the European Model Can Help You Get a Life.” I think they should have added a coffee and a beer (like Bud Light). I never knew I liked beer until I lived here….

They’ve recently updated the local government in Regensburg, and I am impressed. They have a fancy new city hall, which is spacious, organized and even has a water fountain! I’ve never seen a water fountain in any German government office before. They offered still water and also sparkling. They even updated their system because all of my documents were pulled up electronically this time rather than in a big file. The woman who did our paper work also just scanned my photo and gave it back to us. I love when government offices actually make efficient use of technology! The US federal government, or at least the agency where I worked, needs some serious help in that regard.

The city even, finally, acknowledged my PhD this time! There have been some issues with the Germans recognizing my US degree in an official capacity, but some recent changes in the German policy has made that a little easier. In the US, the only time I used the title was at work. Some of other the scientists kept assuming I was the administrative assistant rather than the scientist in charge of the meetings I ran. I think it was the age, gender, and the suit that threw them off (if I carried a backpack and wore jeans, they may have recognized me as one of them). Aside from that, no one else cared as far as I could tell. Here, however, the doctor title is held in higher regard and having it out there on a piece of ID can be useful. Matthias’ title is in his legal ID, but the US passport doesn’t have titles so I’ve had to bring in a copy of my diploma to be recognized, and it seems to be in the system now. Since I am not able to communicate as well as I can in English, I’ll take the advantage of having a title when I can. It’s nice to be able to say “Look, I know I appear stupid because I speak German like a four year old, but it’s Dr. Stupid so cut me some slack.” It took me as long to earn the degree as it did for Germany to recognize it. That doesn’t seem right somehow.

Anyway, I am almost there. We just have to let my health insurance know. They reminded us about my expiring Visa because my insurance was set to expire with it - not good when one is pregnant. It was good that they did because I’m sure I would have forgotten otherwise! At least now, I won’t have to worry about renewing it again! Yay!

Here is a photo from the other day - notice the blurred background indicating constant motion of the toddler. The video was taken after dinner when Clair was demonstrating what the little chipmunk looked like at the pet store. She scared it with her loudness and it hid. I told her is was scared (she also calls it a mouse, which I why I ask her about the mouse)

Micha (one of the moms who are better at the mom thing - she has more practice) proposed hitting a petting zoo in the woods not far from town this morning; it is in Teublitz, which is only about 15 minutes from here. A few of us could make it so it was a nice little gaggle of kids. The kids could kind of pair off by age, which made it a bit easier to watch them. Clair, unfortunately still just kind of just does her own thing, but sometimes she followed her friend Jana around and Micha and I could trade off watching them. When I couldn’t manage to keep my eyes on Clair once in a while, it was really nice to have friends there who were also watching her. It makes the whole outing a bit easier to manage when you get a mental break from constantly watching the kids.

The place was really nice and easy, and it is free to get in. You just need to buy some feed for the goats, sheep, birds, etc. We ended up having lunch there too. So for a grand total of seven Euros or so, we had a nice morning and lunch. It wasn’t very crowded either and it was easy even for the little guys to get in and feed the animals. Clair was really good at it, and she politely said goodbye to all of the animals as we left them. She only tried to pitch herself into the lake a couple of times (trying to get closer to the ducks), but I or some other mom managed to head her off.

We are going to try to go out and do something next Tuesday too. I hope we can eventually turn this into a regular Tuesday thing. I don’t have a play group for Clair, and this is my idea of what a play group should be - a group of friends with kids who get together. I think I’ll start making a list of the places we can take the kids (aside from the local play parks) so I can find some inspiration when I don’t know what to do with Clair. I created a page on the blog to start compiling ideas. Feel free to send me any of your favorites. I just started with a few.

I picked up some groceries yesterday, and the store I went to had some toddler-sized shopping carts. That was a huge hit! She is hitting a stage where she is imitating me a lot so when she saw a cart her own size she shouted “Wow!!!” I expected her to go nuts and ram it into everything. She didn’t though. She pushed it straight ahead and followed the perimeter of the store (she refused to turn off to go down any aisles). I only needed a couple of things, and I gave them to her to load in her cart. She started to lose focus as we approached the checkout, but a quick thinking checkout woman held up a pack of gummy bears at just the right time! I could have kissed her! In the end, her new experience with a cart didn’t end up with anything destroyed or with me chasing after her. Most of the new things she tries these days ends in one of those scenarios. I’ll have to shop at this store again. It is not the most convenient location, but they are the only place I’ve found that sells bisquick!

Here she is contemplating the Maggi section

Testing out the new wheels (I took the photos with my iphone without a flash so the red blur is Clair).

And, with the pisquick and syrup, she is ready for pancakes on Sunday!